The Pandemic Made Me An Introvert

Press Play to Listen. Highlights are Below.

Trigger Warning at 15:15 : This blogcast episode contains discussion of mental health, depression and suicide.

A few excerpts of the blog this week are below. Note that they have been cleaned up for readability. For the full experience, please click above or take a listen on Spotify. To get updated every time a blog is posted, please Click Here to Subscribe to Blog Updates, or subscribe via Spotify.

00:59

I really love the journey of content creation. It definitely feels like an expansion of my creative process. When I'm editing a video. It feels so immersive. It feels like the world stands still, which is the best feeling in the world, because I've been feeling really overstimulated. Can we be well? I think that's gonna be our YouTube merch. Just like, 'Can we be Real?' Because I love getting real. I love peeling back the layers. I've been sharing my art with the world for the last decade, mainly through Instagram. I feel like I've built the community on that platform, and I've really enjoyed it for some time. And now of course, these platforms are changing; things continue to evolve. I feel like I haven't been able to show my full self on Instagram. I feel like the person that I've presented online specifically Instagram has been the 'highlight reels', right. I feel like the highlight reels are great, but I also think that that's part of the problem. That's why the system is breaking. That's also the reason why these platforms aren't sustainable. If your main goal is to show the highlight reel of yourself, then during those dark times, during those sad times, does that mean that you don't show up? And the answer is, Yes. A lot of times people don't show up when they're going through stuff. I want to push through that. I want to, but I'm feeling this major resistance and it's really frustrated me because I feel like the resistance that I'm feeling is not wanting to show up when I'm not feeling my best. And I know that that is just not sustainable. That's not practical, that's not real. I know that I want to have a long standing career, a long standing community and a long standing presence on these platforms. In order to do that, I have to be able to show all the different aspects of myself and I have to be just real and authentic and showing all those different levels. And I have been, which is great. But, I also feel like there's another level. There's like another layer down that I want to show. It's just so weird because it feels like that's been the space that I've had in a vault for so long; in this safe, secure place. Now, opening that door I feel my ego self like, "No, no, no, no, you don't show the people that. You don't show the world that because if you show every aspect of yourself, you won't be loved, you won't be accepted." And it's just like, 'What is that?'

04:13

Of course, I know what like we study psychology, we read all the books. We've heard all the lectures like Well, I'm that person, y'all. I read a lot. I watch a lot of videos. I love lectures. I love philosophy. I'm a student of Carl Jung; I know all the different layers of the ego and the id; Freud and all the psychology; and Erik Erikson. I really loved psychology in school. It was super interesting to me. It's the ego trying to protect myself. It's my inner child trying not to let every aspect of her vulnerability show and now, at the same time, I think that there is there is power and privacy. I'm not a believer that you got to bear your entire soul to the entire world. I do not think that that is necessary. Social media and the internet has given us this narrative where people are almost rewarded, the more vulnerable that they are; the more that they share about their family; the more that they show their kids and sharing their birthing blog. People love that and just want to have these parasocial relationships with people online, and I definitely don't want to feed into that space. I want to just encourage the world out there to know that you don't like the shit that is out here. It's fake. It's so fake that it's nauseating. It's so not humanly sustainable to constantly be in these places of just happiness and joy and bliss and travel vlogs and like, 'My 6am Morning Routine' like everybody not getting up at 6am all the time. It's just not real.

06:13

In order for me to be able to show the different aspects of myself, I need to feel comfortable with being in those sad places, while also doing it in a judge free zone, and at the same, not just trauma dumping on people. It doesn't serve people to just show that you're sad. You're sad. They're sad too. We're all sad. We're all watching the same news out here. We all seeing what's going on out in the world. And, it's sad. It's heartbreaking. I barely even watch the news. You don't even need to watch the news no more. You're still gonna get the information, whether that's a screenshot; somebody sharing on Instagram; a YouTube video that's coming up in the trending or new section -- you are going to get the information. As much as we want to tune out and just put our head in the sand, we can't. It's out here. Putting our head in the sand isn't healthy either. I don't want to just be turning a blind eye, but as an empath, I also know that absorbing everything isn't healthy for me.

09:06

I'm about to make a full time living of keeping it real, like it's my my J-O-B out here in the streets. The reality of it is that there is a cyclical loop that happens especially for content creators out here where a part of their job is to just show up and be themselves or be in a high vibe. When you're [a Content Creator] not in that high vibe that affects every aspect of your life; that affects your relationships; that affects your business; that affect then in turn affects your finances. When you feel in a low place, now your finances get low; your relationships get low; you start feeling low because your relationships is low and your finances is low. It puts you in this perpetual cycle. I know the cycles. I've studied the patterns, and I've been in the patterns. What I'm pushing through now is really breaking free of the pattern of wanting to shut the world out when I'm in a dark place. I want to. I feel this calling of, "Girl.. Still show up. Let the people know that you can still show up. That's what people need to see. That's what people need to know." And it's real.

11:04

I'm reminding myself that I have full permission to be in this heaviness. Because the season is here; is cyclical. You know the patterns. You don't have to be confounded and confused anymore. The seasonal depression happens. And you can just let it be. You don't have to judge it. You don't have to give any emotion. You don't have to feel guilty. You don't have to feel bad because now you aren't the giggly-bubbly-happily-happy-Aramis and the happy artists that people are used to seeing. You don't have to shut the world out right now because you feel sad. You can cultivate a community of people who honors the complexity and the multifacetedness of who you are. You've already done that. I already have an incredible community of people who show up for me and all the different layers of myself. I have an incredible and just ridiculously amazing, supportive husband and partner who knows what I'm going through right now. I got a friend like my girl, Monica. I have friends. I have a mom. I'm just I'm just so blessed right now. I'm super grateful for the people in my life. And it's like, "Girl, you don't have to be nobody else but yourself." I think I'm going through this right now, and I'm feeling the urge to share this publicly, and to speak to somebody right now who needs to hear that if you feel it low is okay. Take a moment. Turn off the phone. Get off Tik Tok. Get off YouTube. Maybe take a few days before you even reply to those emails. The world is gonna carry on. The world gon' be a-okay. Take a minute. All that matters right now is that you stay alive. We need you.

16:20

I can relate to the idea of the world feeling so heavy. I think that we all can relate to that idea. What I really want is empaths, artists and sensitive beings who can feel like it's so hard and heavy to live in this world; I want us to know that these times will pass. The times do pass. I look back at old times in my life, and I'm like, "Man, I made it through that." I made it through that and I'm just feeling heavy right now.

20:36

You're gonna be on a rollercoaster ride, you're gonna go up and down, and up and down. Give yourself the grace. Just have patience with yourself, be as gentle with yourself as you need to be on this journey. That's what I'm doing. I'm giving myself grace. I'm giving you grace. If you needed a permission slip, I'm handing it to you right here, and right now. You have your permission slip to do that.

21:10

The message of this episode, though, was talking about how quarantine and the pandemic has made me an introvert. Let's talk about it now that I've gone and got through the words of encouragement for myself to keep showing up. Maybe that was the ultimate message that I needed, though. I'm thinking about next year - that's what I talked about in the video that recently went up. I mentioned in the video how I've been feeling anxious, and I think it's because I'm thinking about the future.

When I think about the future, what I get anxious about is like the shows, I'm like, "Man, I don't really want to be at no shows." I used to be so good at it. Shout out to younger me! She was here to entertain the people. And now I'm just like, "Man, who have I become?" I really don't know. When I think about going out there, about saying how many times I gotta say hello, and how many times I have to answer the questions and just be amongst the crowd.. I just can't. There's a part of me that's peeling back this layer of the people pleaser, the entertainer. I'm so over being the clown, and when I think about those times, I was being a clown. I was literally just being you, I couldn't be another me if I tried. So I think what I'm getting frustrated with now is that there's a different me that's emerging, a more mature me that's coming through ,and she just don't have the energy. She don't even want to muster the energy to be the entertainer. I'm really awesome, chill shit. I just want to like, sit out in the grass and like read a book and look up at the sky and meditate and ponder the different dimensions, think about aliens and just be on a different wavelength. I don't know if that's just a more mature me that's growing. I don't know if this is what 33 is like. What is this? I don't know, but I don't want to talk to nobody; like, straight introverted shit. I love my friends. I have incredible friends and it's like, I don't even want to talk to them. I just want to be in my thoughts. Who is this version of me? I don't know her, but she's she's kind of cool too. I'm here for her. She's just on some chill shit, and I think that's what I'm trying to get used to. I've always just been such an extrovert; such a people person a people pleaser; wanting to hang; wanting to go out; to be with the vibes. I'm just not her no more, y'all. Is this what the pandemic has done? Like, what is it? Maybe it's a muscle, and maybe if I get back out there, I will be good. It has been going on three years that I haven't been out at the shows, and I haven't been going to events, doing events, talking with people and hanging out. It feels so weird to think about doing that, again. Part of me gets excited about it, sure; but then the other part is just like, No. She being real real, y'all. This is the other layer.

25:50

I just want to give myself permission. I want to give you permission to be whatever version you need to be right now. The version that keeps you going and it keeps you giving yourself grace on this journey. You go ebb and flow. You don't change your mind like you have permission to change your mind. You have permission to transition into a different version of yourself. That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad friend. It doesn't make you a bad anything. It makes you a human being. You a real human being out here. You go EB you go on flow. Y'all, I send you so much love. I send you so much light. Just hang in there. I just need you to be here. You're so important. You're so important to the process. You really are. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your love and light with me. Thank you for lending an ear to me as I get things off my chest as I process my humaneness. Thank you so much. If you haven't checked out the latest YouTube video where I share my higher self trying to paint my higher self trying to be a better version of me, check it out on my YouTube channel. Thank you so much! Sending you all my love and light. Until we meet again - keep creating and keep giving yourself grace on this human being journey.